Journal Excerpt - May 23, 2010

I started flipping through my last journal, written between May 2010 and July 2011, the other night.  So here's a peek inside my head during that time frame.  Not all of this volume is depressive, but most of it seems to be.  I've only picked a few entries to publish.


So lonely.  So terribly lonely, but not the kind that can be cured by surrounding myself with people.  It's more like emptiness.  A hole in my soul but absolutely nothing to fill it with.  I sure as hell don't even know what I want, nor what I want to do with my life.  It's a dreary Sunday afternoon as usual, and I just want to spend it in bed with someone, at this point anyone, sleeping, waking only to make love, listening to music, touching, kissing, blah blah blah.  Sometimes I cannot stand being such a...girl.
...My desk reflects my life - pictures of my grandparents and my nephew, pens, a candle burning, a book, my camera, a pack of Camels with one lit in the ashtray, bills, a half-empty bottle of water, my iPod.  It's kind of sad when there's not much to it and I'm not even sure why I exist.  So fucking pathetic, with nothing to make me feel whole.  I substitute sex for love, drinking for happiness, and can only focus when I'm working.  I think my mind is warped beyond repair.  I'm no one's to adore, I'm not even anyone's whore.  I'm an ugly fucking mess is what I am....
...I have come to realize that there's nothing fucking special about me.  I'm extraordinary at nothing.  Any praise I receive, for my work, my looks, is superficial.  It means nothing.  I've made no difference in anyone else's life.  I put up a blinding front just like everyone else.  How could I ever dream of bringing a child into this world?
  My head is so fucked up right now that I feel like I'm going to throw up.  I can't just pop my last Effexor because I don't have the money to get my prescription refilled.  I just want to be off of it.  Everything is in a constant state of falling apart.  Never is there stability.  Always feeling like everything is in limbo.  Sleep is not even an option right now even though there's nothing else to do...I had to give in and take the last pill.  My brain is rattling around in my skull and my teeth feel like they are going to fall out....